Trying to find my role ...

Who would have thought this would be so difficult? Then I realized I was making it difficult, not the role. After all, this is just a game, right? And it is only for 8 weeks and then if I want, I can just change and put on another role. I went through several roles trying them on, seeing how they fit, making sure I don't look fat in it ... hahaha! :)

The first role I tried on was the role of warrior/heroine, you know, Xena. This is a natural for me and one I am quite comfortable wearing as it has been the "role of my life" for years. But once I had it on, I found it made me so tired physically. When I really looked, I found I am tired of fighting all the time. I want life to be fun. So I took that role off and hung it back on the rack. Back to square one. (What does that expression mean by the way?)

I started looking at what is important to me. Always fighting against something clearly did not inspire me anymore, not that it ever did. It was a role I put on to survive. But I am up to more in life than just surviving ... I want to thrive! :) So I started making a mental list of things that are important to me in life.

This is not a new inquiry for me. I have been in this "existential mode" for months now, ever since I lost my job in January. What exactly am I here to do? What am I up to in life? Or the classic question, what do I want to be when I grow up? Because I figure that now, at 46 years old, I have actually grown up. Or have I? ;)

So I thought that looking at the things I want in life seemed to be the way to go. I started the list with the basics: I want to make a difference in life, I want to be a contribution, ... yada, yada, yada. Kind of boring actually. Yet one thing was clear - I do not want it to be hard and I do not want to be responsible. Other than that, I am not entirely sure.

From that "micro-insight", I came up with the role of First Lady. A First Lady has a lot of freedom, has a platform she gets to support and contribute to, yet she is not responsible for the outcome of it, nor is she accountable for its failure or success. Her only role really is to do what she loves while supporting her powerful man aka The President. I was really jazzed about this for a while and this seemed to be the one I was going to stick with. Only problem was, I didn't have a powerful man in my life to support. :(

After getting this is just a game, I saw how hard I was making things and this could be really fun and easy. Just like in the Wisdom course - fun, play and ease. As I said these words out loud, the "easy" word really caught my imagination so I finished the thought with the advertising slogan, "easy, breezy, beautiful ... Cover Girl." WOW! That really popped for me! Suddenly I was infused with energy that just "fit". I don't know how to explain it other than to say it "fit". And it doesn't make me look fat! :) In fact, as soon as I tried it on and wore it for an hour or so, a guy I hadn't seen in months asked if I had lost weight! When I answered that I hadn't, he responded I sure looked like I had and I looked beautiful. Wow! This might be fun!!! :)

Not entirely sure I am comfortable being beautiful ... (I guess that will be another post), but meanwhile, I am feeling a lightness of being, an energy I have not ever been present to ever. Then a friend brings me a top she has been meaning to give me for a while. She had ordered it and it was too low cut for her taste, so she thought of me as someone it would be great for. At first, I was not sure how to take that, but now standing in my new Cover Girl role, I saw it was just "one of those things" that will show up in our lives now.

Later in the evening, I had a stranger I had just met totally flirt with me AND another male friend of mine ask to exchange contact information and start conversing regularly. What? Then today, I got a call from an old friend of mine and I swear, he was scoping out my current situation by asking if I was seeing anyone, etc. What an interesting synchronicity!

Although on the other hand, it kind of freaks me out too. :(