Ah, the week of communication. :(

A dear friend of mine recently started openly pursuing me to move beyond our 12-year friendship and try on a romantic relationship  Once I got over the initial shock, I tried it on and liked it.  A lot!  Then stuff/life/shit happened - misunderstandings, miscommunications, drama, unwillingness to get clear, lack of clarity about true desires/commitment - and I find myself having to wait until the dust settles around me.  Kind of like the people in Europe waiting for the volcanic dust!  ;)  

I see myself journeying through several spaces along the way. 

• At first I was unwilling to entertain the possibility our relationship could be more.  There are a LOT of obstacles in the way. 
• Then I was unwilling to believe he actually felt the way he did.  That was until I let his actions drown out my inner monologue. 
• Then I found I have no freaking clue how to go about this relationship stuff.  Plus, the idea of "just wait and let it happen" is harder than any action ever could be.  Give me something to do!  I was not wired to be a literal "waiter".  :)
• When the problems first started, I was powerful, stood my ground, and was rewarded with a deepening of communication and intimacy.
• Then more stuff happened, the problems got bigger, and they triggered his past stuff which triggered my past stuff.  As of last night, that looked like him not wanting to be more than friends. 
• This morning, he is acting like nothing is wrong. 

Where I find myself right now is being unwilling to have someone play hokey-pokey with my heart.  I want to draw a line in the sand and say this far and no further.  However, being a stand like this for ME is so new for me.  It is much easier to stand for someone/something else than it is to be a stand for myself.  Weird! 

I am a stand that me and my heart be respected and cared for like the fragile, priceless things of beauty we are. 

I want to communicate that to him but something inside tells me to wait.  I am getting that this week of communications is going to be very interesting indeed!

I am wondering however, where did I get the idea I need to communicate every thought that crosses my mind, or every firing of a neuron?  In looking at that, I find I am also unclear as to whom and how much should be communicated.  Maybe that is the where the inquiry this week is taking me.   :)

Thank you Mark for making it so easy, breezy, beautifully simple to post to the blog.